One of the toughest things about being a parent is facing the fact that our kids are exposed to things in the world that we wish they weren’t. No matter how much we try to keep them away from things that can bring mental or emotional harm, the reality is they will see and hear things we wish they wouldn’t have to deal with until they’re older.
This includes exposure to violence on social media and elsewhere online. Whether it’s graphic footage of war zones, self-harm, violent attacks, school fights, or aggressive “prank” videos, violent content is increasingly prevalent– even when kids aren’t intending to find it.
You may think your child isn’t seeing these things, but they probably are. Whether it’s through a friend’s screen, a trending video, or their own feed, most kids come across violent material online (and often long before their brains are ready to make sense of it). That’s why it’s so important for parents to proactively talk about violence on social media, rather than waiting for a problem to arise.
Why these conversations matter
One of the biggest misconceptions I hear from parents is: “I don’t think my child has seen anything violent online, so I don’t want to bring it up and upset them.” This is a mistake, as talking about it appropriately won’t expose them to something they otherwise wouldn’t know about. Chances are, they’ve already been exposed. In fact, recent research shows that 70% of teens have been exposed to real-life violence on social media. Addressing the issue openly lets them know you’re a safe and open person to talk to when they do encounter something disturbing, and you can give them the support they need to process and move through it.
What’s worse than a child being exposed to something violent is the child having to manage the inevitable feelings and questions alone. They need the guidance and support of trusted adults to help them make sense of what they’ve seen, talk through their feelings, and develop healthy coping strategies when they experience distress in the future.
Violent content and child mental health
Violent images and videos (especially those viewed repeatedly or unexpectedly) can take a toll on children’s emotional health and development in a variety of ways, depending on age and personality. In fact, young people themselves are aware of this. Research shows that kids report issues with sleep, focus, and recurring anxious thoughts following exposure to violent online content – especially when it was unexpected.
Some of the more common symptoms related to violent content exposure include:
- Increased anxiety and/or difficulty separating from parents
- Difficulty sleeping and/or complaints of scary dreams and nightmares
- Difficulty concentrating or completing school and home tasks
- Aggressive behavior
- Becoming desensitized to real-life violence
- Any significant changes in mood or behavior from a child’s norm
These effects can be more intense in younger children, or in kids with existing mental health concerns. That’s why parent involvement in digital media use is essential. It’s not just for setting boundaries, but for guiding kids in processing what they experience online.
Start with open, ongoing conversations
Whether your child is five or fifteen, the goal isn’t a one-time “big talk.” It’s about creating a pattern of open, age-appropriate conversations where they feel safe asking questions and sharing concerns.
For younger children (ages 5–9)
Keep things simple and reassuring.
- “Sometimes people post scary things online, like fighting or emergencies.”
- “If you ever see something that makes you feel nervous or upset, tell me right away.”
- Use gentle language to explain that not everything online is real, that just because they see a video or picture or something doesn’t mean it will happen to them, and they can always come to you for comfort and clarity.
For tweens (ages 10–13)
At this stage, kids are often exposed to greater amounts of digital content, and peer influence becomes more powerful.
- Ask what they’ve seen and how it made them feel.
- Encourage critical thinking: “Why do you think someone posted that?” or “Do you think videos like that help people or hurt people?”
- Talk openly about how repeated exposure can affect the brain and emotions.
For teens (ages 14–18)
This is an age for promoting critical thinking and engaging in dialogue. Some teens may downplay their exposure or reactions, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t affected.
- Keep a nonjudgmental tone: “That sounds really upsetting. Do you want to talk about it?”
- Help them reflect: “How did it affect your mood after seeing it?”
- Remind them they can always choose not to watch or share violent content, and that’s not a sign of weakness. Talk about how you manage your exposure to online content that you know may upset you.
Let kids feel what they feel – without judgement
As is true for so much of what we encounter in parenting, one of the most powerful things you can do is validate your child’s emotional response to what they’ve seen. This means listening without interrupting, resisting the urge to “fix it,” and simply acknowledging what they’re going through.
Examples:
- “It makes sense that you’d feel scared/confused/sick to your stomach after seeing that.”
- “Scary things happen in the world, and it upsets me too.”
- “I’m really glad you told me. You don’t have to deal with this alone.”
Avoid saying things like “It’s not that bad,” “It didn’t even happen here,” or “Just ignore it.” These comments, even if well-meaning, can make kids feel ashamed or silenced.
Know when to seek extra support
Some distress following exposure to disturbing online content is natural, but if your child is still having strong emotional reactions days or weeks later, or if you notice significant ongoing changes in their behavior, appetite, sleep, or school performance, it may be time to talk to a mental health professional.
You’re not failing as a parent if your child needs extra support, and it doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with them. Sometimes kids need specific strategies or professional support to process difficult things in a healthy way. A skilled child therapist can also provide you with education and tools for navigating these things with your kids.
Help kids build media literacy and boundaries
Violent content often spreads because it’s shocking. Kids who understand this are more empowered to choose what they consume and how they respond. Use these situations as opportunities to help kids develop better media literacy and healthy digital media behaviors.
Here are some questions to get kids thinking about the content they consume online:
- “How do you feel after seeing something violent or disturbing?”
- “Do you feel better or worse after spending time on XYZ platform?
- “If something feels upsetting, what can you do instead of watching more?”
- “What kind of content do you want to spend more time with?”
Empower kids to take actions that reduce problematic content exposure and show them how you do the same. Talk about unfollowing accounts that regularly post harmful content, taking breaks from social media, using device/app/platform settings to reduce specific types of undesired content, and curating a feed that encourages positivity rather than harm.
Why parental controls are part of the solution
I say this often, but it’s critical to repeat here – if we’re going to allow our kids access to devices and digital media, then installing and using parent controls is essential. This is part of a comprehensive solution to reducing the amount of violent (and other inappropriate) content our kids are exposed to. However, parental controls aren’t enough on their own. Filters and blockers can’t catch everything, especially when kids have access to friends’ devices, group chats, or less regulated platforms.
That’s why ongoing involvement of parents is key to communicate, encourage, problem solve, and continue addressing digital media use together.
Parental control tools like Qustodio make it easier to manage screen time, track app use, and filter inappropriate content. Using the tools built into devices and apps is also important. However, these tools work best for families when combined with ongoing conversations, empathy, and mutual trust.
We can’t control everything our children see, but we can control how we show up for them when they are exposed to things that feel scary or harmful. We can also take steps to reduce and minimize exposure to inappropriate content online. By setting and enforcing online limits, creating space for honest conversations, listening without judgment, and modeling healthy digital habits, we give our children the tools they need to navigate an often complicated and scary online world with more clarity and confidence.
