If your child has access to a smartphone, social media, or any open comments section online (which, let’s face it, is most children these days), chances are they’ll run into some kind of negativity – even through just a quick scroll. Whether it’s a snarky comment, a hurtful putdown, or someone jumping at the chance to provoke an argument, digital conflict is now par for the course in the comments section.
These rude or provocative comments can leave children and teens feeling hurt and confused, or angry and ready to fight back. Sometimes these interactions come from people they know, like friends, or classmates. Other times, they’re dealing with strangers online who post something unkind or inappropriate on a post, video, or when replying to another comment. Either way, these interactions can have a real impact on your child’s confidence, upset their emotional wellbeing, and provoke them to react in ways they never would in person.
Why online comments can be more upsetting
Even as adults, we sometimes struggle not to take online comments personally. For children, who are still developing a sense of self and are extra-sensitive, this can be much more complicated to navigate.
Kids and teens’ brains are wired to seek social approval, and it’s normal for them to want to fit in with the crowd. Because different parts of their brain develop at different rates, their emotional reactions tend to be much stronger than their ability to think rationally about the longer-term consequences of their actions in the moment.
People, whether kids or adults, tend to say things online they wouldn’t say face-to-face. In fact, adults are just as likely to submit to their online impulses – in a recent survey of online behavior, 64% of adults admitted to getting into heated arguments online, while 63% confessed they’d said things online while relying on anonymity.
Despite being touted as bringing us closer together, online communication can often add an extra layer of complexity to social interactions. Online, we don’t have the immediate feedback that we get from face-to-face interactions, which is crucial for helping keep our real-life conversations in check, and above all, respectful.
How to help teens navigate comments on social media
When teens witness or are caught up in negative behaviour online, they often lack the tools to process it and respond in an appropriate and thoughtful way. On social media, where many different people come together and share their thoughts or reactions, it’s unfortunately normal that your child sees negative comments that aren’t directed at them, but might still affect how they interact. They may witness bullying, impersonation, opinion polls, and friends or people they know get tagged in insults, or have their social media conversations screenshotted and shared.
That’s why it’s important for us to take all of their online experiences seriously, even if comments or interactions might seem trivial or minor to us. Here are 4 steps to guide them through the negativity, whether it’s from a stranger on TikTok, or a classmate on their latest Instagram post.
1. Pause before taking any next steps
Start by helping your child take a step back from whatever’s happening. Here you want to help them reduce emotional overwhelm, and prevent things from escalating – before they lash out, or get too in their head about the comment at hand.
If the comment is public: consider deleting the post (if it belongs to your child) or reporting the comment to the platform (if it is highly offensive, graphic, or harmful in another way).
If the person making the comment is a stranger: simply blocking or muting them is the easiest way to cut off contact.
If the person is someone your child knows, like a friend or a classmate: the first step is to ask your child what they feel is the best thing to do in this situation. Find out what their ideal outcome would be, and then figure out the pros and cons together. Ask them how you can help get them there.
Discuss various ways of taking a break from communication, whether it’s more short-term approaches like turning notifications off or muting chats, or more long-term ones like uninstalling the app for a while, or even going device-free for a day or two. Tools like Qustodio can help your teen schedule downtimes from screens altogether, or social media breaks that allow them to refocus, regroup, and take time out from apps that are negatively affecting them. Talk together about what would make them feel most comfortable, letting them lead the way, while supporting them with whatever they need to stay in control and process the situation.
2. Talk it through together
Once your child’s taken time to calm down, or let the initial feelings settle, talk to them about what happened – and if you weren’t there when this occurred, encourage them to come to you or another trusted adult whenever they feel uncomfortable and need to talk things through. Try to avoid jumping in with “solutions” or “fixes” right away, avoiding emotional reactions yourself. Instead, listen calmly, asking open-ended questions that encourage them to tell you more.
For example, you might want to ask:
- How did the comment make you feel?
- Do you know the person who said it?
- Has something like this happened with this same person before?
- Do you think they were trying to be funny, mean, or were they just looking for attention?
- Do you want to respond, or is it better to ignore and move on?
If the person making the comment is someone your child knows, you can help them set clearer boundaries and coach them through having a respectful conversation with that person, or see if they want to seek help from another trusted adult, like a teacher.
If it’s a stranger, this is a good chance to lead with an important lesson on online opinions: they don’t all matter, and it’s OK to block, report, and move on. A stranger’s opinion isn’t worth wasting time or energy on!
3. Reflect and build resilience
While we want the best for our children, and it pains us to see them hurting, it’s not realistic that we can always be there to protect them from mean comments and hurtful interactions, especially with the added layer of complexity the digital world brings.
After the storm has passed, help your child reflect on what happened, and what they’ve learned. You could ask:
- What do you think triggered this situation? Did anything happen before this comment was made?
- What helped you feel better?
- What would you do differently next time?
- What advice would you give me if I were in your shoes? Or a friend?
Working with them to deal with the situation at hand, while building their resilience and understanding for any future interactions, will give them more confidence to deal with these comments when you’re not there to help them.
4. Give them the tools to enjoy a more positive experience
Treating others with respect can be more complicated than in real life, given the anonymity that comes with an online profile and how easy it is to swipe away from an app if we want to escape the consequences of our bad behavior. To build a more positive social media experience for everyone (not just your child), it’s important for teens to understand that they should treat others as they expect to be treated themselves.
In addition to guiding them through ways to react appropriately to negativity, teaching teens and younger children how to be kind online is all part of what it means to be a respectful digital citizen. Seeking understanding and engaging in an exchange of ideas, rather than heated debate, creates a safer space for everyone, protecting others from mean and nasty comments online. This includes helping others online when we see a situation that might cause harm or upset, such as reporting incidents, blocking or removing users, showing support and kind words, and by not amplifying toxicity and harm, through actions like sharing it to others.
Hurtful comments and online negativity are an unfortunate part of today’s digital world. That said, we can also look at them as an opportunity for teens to learn about empathy, boundaries, and how to protect their emotional wellbeing online.
By staying involved, keeping communication open, and offering calm, judgement-free support whenever it’s needed, you’re helping your child stay safe online, while becoming stronger and more prepared for the digital experiences that lie ahead – both positive and negative.
