The moment a child asks to install a new app for the first time can bring up lots of conflicting feelings – for both parents and children.
Many adults assume all kids want the same apps and games their friends use, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes children don’t want to get on a particular platform, but feel the pressure from their peers and fear being left out.
Rather than causing conflict, this can be a great conversation starter for families and an opportunity to help their child explore how they feel, and decide if and how they want to use the app in question. Conversations like these also help build trust between parent and child by placing them on the same team when it comes to technology, instead of against each other.
It’s not always a simple yes or no
When children ask for a new app, parents often feel torn between wanting their kids to fit in and needing to keep them safe. This dilemma brings up several difficult questions: How do I know if my child is ready for this app? How can I monitor their activity without spying? What should I do if something goes wrong? And perhaps most importantly, can I just say no?
These complexities make parenting today harder than it’s probably ever been before. On the one hand, technology has changed what it means to “belong” and “fit in” for young people, and on the other, it has forced parents to start thinking about their child’s safety on more than one plane – both the real-life and the digital.
Being social often means being online
Unlike in previous decades, for many teens today, being social means being online.
Once children enter their early teen years, the influence of their social circle becomes much stronger than that of their family. Friends become the center of their world, and parental influence fades into the background. The need to belong becomes just about the most powerful drive in a young person’s life during this developmental phase.
As hard as that can be for parents to adjust, this is a natural part of child development and a necessary step that prepares them to be the social creatures that we humans are designed to be.
While children used to have much more freedom to roam around in “third places” – like parks, community centers, or after-school clubs – today’s teens aren’t as able to spend time with each other IRL (in real life). So, when we draw boundaries and don’t allow them access to certain digital spaces, it can really impact their social life, and in turn, wellbeing.
This isn’t to say kids don’t want to socialize in-person. A recent report from California found that most teens – 9 in 10 – really value being with friends in person, and that more than half wish they saw their friends in person more often than they do.
FOMO and why social media can make exclusion feel worse
FOMO, or the “fear of missing out”, is the persistent, uncomfortable feeling that others are doing something fun and exciting when we aren’t. While the fear of being left out is deeply ingrained in the human psyche, social media has essentially weaponized it.
This “digital FOMO” can come in various forms, such as the “highlight reel” effect – comparing your mundane, everyday reality to someone else’s heavily filtered, peak moments – or “disconnect anxiety” – the urgent, and often unfounded, feeling that you must be active on a certain platform, 24/7, otherwise you vanish from the social map.
Teenagers face intense peer pressure that can make them hyperfixate on what they are missing out on. For some, this constant comparison spirals into severe stress and anxiety.
Understand what they’re asking for
Before you decide whether or not to allow your child access to an app, consider asking them the following:
- What are you going to do on the app?
- Who is using the app? Is it really “everyone”?
- Do you want the app solely to fit in?
- And, if you choose to allow the app, what boundaries can we set around it?
If possible, it can be a good idea to download the app yourself so you can understand:
- How age-appropriate is it? Are there issues with adult content, stranger contact, or other dangers?
- Does the app allow your child to “start small” with just a few features available to them, and then gradually expand as they become older and more responsible?
- How much can you customize the safety and content settings in order to make it safe and age-appropriate?
How to say “no” to your child
Sometimes you will want to keep your child away from certain apps – perhaps the app has a reputation for being dangerous or too distracting, or you’ve seen for yourself that it’s inappropriate for their age.
As with many things digital, a strict ban, without compromise or conversation, can be detrimental to your child’s attitude to technology going forward. It may push them to be more secretive or take more risks online.
Avoid giving them a flat “no” and using phrases like:
- “Because I said so.”
- “You’ll survive.”
- “It’s just an app!”
Instead…
- Validate their feelings. While you stay firm on your decision, take a moment to agree with your child that being the kid left out is an awful feeling.
- Explain your reasoning. Kids hate when things seem unfair, so explaining the actual ‘why’ behind your rule – whether it’s about addictive algorithms or safety concerns – treats them with the respect they crave.
- Offer alternatives. Shift their focus away from what they can’t do by actively brainstorming fun, safe ways they can still hang out and communicate with their friends.
“Not yet” is often better than “never”
For many apps, it’s not that they’re inherently bad; it’s that they are not appropriate for your child at this time.
Instead of a hard no, make it clear the decision is about readiness, not punishment. Readiness might be their age, maturity, or level of digital skills, so set a time a few months away when you can review your decision.
If an older sibling uses the app in question, you can discuss why they are allowed to use it and explain the differences in their levels of readiness.
Allowing them to use the app
If you think the app is appropriate for your child and you’re confident they will use it responsibly, it’s still a good idea to take precautions and set boundaries.
- Start small. Some apps let you start with a limited set of features that you can expand as the child gets older.
- Use the app together. So you can better understand how they use it and whether there’s anything you need to keep an eye on or set boundaries around – for example, direct messaging.
- Set expectations together. Agree on screen time limits, and what they can and can’t do on the app. For example, not accepting requests from strangers. A family digital agreement stuck in a prominent place is a great place to record and make visible rules like this.
- Get familiar with the app’s safety settings. Together, review the app’s privacy settings, direct messaging settings, content filters, and other options. Many apps allow the child to adjust these themselves, so it’s important you discuss why they’re important. Also, go through the process of reporting and blocking people, so they know how to do it if they need to.
- Use external parental controls. An app’s safety settings are often limited and can be adjusted by the child, which is why we recommend using comprehensive parental control tools, like those offered by Qustodio.
With Qustodio, you can:
- Set daily time limits for the app.
- Block the app from being opened if it becomes a problem.
- See a safety profile of the app with alternative options.
- Get alerts when your child has concerning conversations on social media apps like Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat, and X.
The big picture
Helping your child to effectively handle digital FOMO and build healthy online habits is much more than allowing or not allowing them to use individual apps. We can help them learn that not every trend needs to be followed, and sometimes it’s okay to be the last to join something.
By encouraging them to think critically about the platforms and apps they use, they can make better decisions about which ones are worth their time – every new app we download takes up more of the limited 24h we have every day. Remind them also of the importance of creating a healthy balance between time spent socializing online vs offline; and that ultimately, real friendships shouldn’t depend on an app and online friendships cannot replace offline ones.
